It’s all about trust.


We recently got home from
Dark Odyssey Surrender in San Francisco. That event inspired us in many ways, and we enjoyed all of the workshops, the play parties, and demonstrations.

BDSM can be intense, whether it’s a complex rope suspension, impact play, electricity, or one of a thousand other things. Every journey begins with a first step, and in the public spaces, people of every experience level could find somewhere to start or continue on their paths. A thousand beautiful kinky people of every size, shape, color, and orientation, got their kink on inside the the huge play spaces.

Dungeon monitors patrolled the area, ready to help with questions, consent issues, and safety. Nitrile gloves, waterproof towels, and disinfectant were freely available. As we watched others, and played ourselves, there was a definite theme running through most every scene. That was a sense of security. (Not the armed kind, but the feeling of being secure in your space.)

Of course, those were all tangible measures. There was another part of feeling safe that wasn’t evident at first glance, maybe not at all to outside observers. That something was so important, it’s one of the cornerstones of BDSM. Regardless of what they were doing, all those kinky people trusted their partners to stay within negotiated limits.

Some types of kinky play are simply fun, and if something goes slightly wrong, it’s no big deal. If you hit your partner a bit too hard with a flogger, they let you know and you make adjustments. There’s other stuff that literally puts someone’s life in another’s hands. Body fluid play, high suspensions, and play piercing, among others, don’t leave much room for error. Whichever role you’re playing, trusting your partner enables you to feel secure and find the place you’re looking for.

img_3364Many people today feel that trust is missing from our lives. Think about the old cliche of closing a deal by shaking hands. We still shake hands, but there’s also a contract that we sign just to be sure. Try going to the bank to get a loan without any collateral. You can shake hands all day long, but no assets means no money from the bank. It’s a steady theme that people are mistrustful today. They mistrust other people, the government, financial institutions, and the press. The list is endless.

We play within a framework that encourages us to be safe, and understand the potential risks involved in whatever we’re doing. Whether it’s pick-up play with a new friend, a pro-domme session, or a couple who has been together for years, the framework is what enables us to achieve our highest, and delve deeply into our kinks. Before starting, we talk about what we’re going to do, how we’ll do it, what we won’t do, and how to slow down or stop during the session.

Here’s where the trust part comes in. BDSM gives you permission to trust your partner. What a concept! The rest of life can be full of trials and stress. But kinky play helps to shed all of that baggage for a time. Be who you are at the core. Play the role you’ve always wanted to. Reach a higher level. Find that space that makes time stop. It all comes through the knowledge that a word can slow things down if it’s getting too close to a limit, or too intense, or you just need some water.

Here’s the secret. Trust in your partner enables you to feel vulnerable. No, not the sort of vulnerability that makes a person weak. Instead, we’re talking about opening ourselves to the experience, softening our hearts, and living in the moment. At its best, BDSM can be transcendental, inspiring, uplifting. Your partner might guide you into subspace, or you drift into that floaty place of confident dominance. You can go harder, faster, longer, if that’s what you want.

Many people don’t trust their potential partners enough to achieve this sort of play. Maybe it’s a couple that shares daily tasks and chores unequally. (Remember, BDSM doesn’t start or stop on the this side of the door.) It could be someone who played unsafely at an earlier party, or didn’t know what they were doing. There are too many examples to list, but you get the idea. Being able to recognize these and other factors can help us make smart decisions on who to play with.

We all want to find something through BDSM, and the journey is filled with desire, lust, heat, and fulfillment. Confidence in ourselves and our partners is key to getting there. When we feel confident, there are so many possibilities, because we’re free to be our secret selves, explore kinky scenarios, and live the experience of BDSM.

Live your kink,

the hkc
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